I have been trying not to write anything about this pandemic. Mostly because I feel like we are still in it and the energy flow is still changing. It is hard to reflect and understand what’s going on under this kind of atmosphere for me. It is very challenging to digest. Also, this topic is a huge trigger personally, probably a lot of people fell the same. Frustration, anger, fear … you name it, almost all the human emotions are stirred up and melted together in my heart and my body feels it all.
For the past 6 months, we have been on this rocky journey together. Our lives are strongly tied with each other because of COVID-19. I know all my friends are aware of, trying to make sense of it, and putting in the best efforts they can to contribute to the society. But there are so many others surrounding us that are not. We see a lot of careless and selfish behaviors all over this country from top, the administration level, to bottom, fellow residents.
I don’t think I will ever understand their perspective but I respect what they want for their lives. It is a tough lesson to learn, after all that respect comes with high price. We all make our own choices but the consequences followed sometimes don’t just affect us only, more often, other people feel the ripple effects disturbing their flows.
My birthday is coming close and, from information I gathered, I might be going back to work soon, back to the lifestyle that I have little self time and barely enough energy to maintain my own balance in life. This birthday will be a special one. My sun and lunar calendar birthday will be alined this year and it only happens every 19 years. I long to travel, to see a new city that I have been very curious about, as a gift to myself and a rejuvenation before work; a chance to getting out of NYC after being trapped for so long.
But I can’t. My conscience confronted this strong desire. I may be safe and healthy enough to protect myself but roaming about, who knows how many people in contact with me will be affected, unknowingly passing on virus to their love ones. Yes, I do not know if it will happen but I can not bare the idea of it happening. It has been a heavy weight on my mind.
It is really hard to believe half of 2020 has already passed. All this time, it seems to be so quiet and still, but I know I have grown tremendously because of this difficult journey. I have learned to listen and to trust unknown; have learned to sit still with anger and frustrations that I have no power to change what is causing them; have learned to share my inner strength in a public manner that I was so afraid of before; have learned to enjoy the pleasure of finding my voice and putting it to good use; have learned to accept the uncontrollable and let go of the desire of controlling. It is a rewarding spiritual awakening that I did not expect from this pandemic.
I am sharing this to remind us all, we are strong. Moving forward, there will be more unknown but we have the tools and knowledge we need to concur and persevere. We don’t know how long it will be but still we are moving forward one day at a time; one step at a time.